Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'
Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home....
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new
hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Ed.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
He was overcome with emotion as he
experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of
his head, and heard.....
"Ed, wake up! You pooped in the bed!"
Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!
Here are some cute stories that has been sent to me through e-mails, that I'd like to share with you.
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Cute Stories 'Just for fun reading'
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I HOPE YOU ENJOY READING THESE AS MUCH AS I HAVE. FRIENDS ALONG THE WAY, HAVE SENT ME MOST OF THESE THROUGH E-MAIL. SOME OF THEM WILL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND SOME, YOU WILL HAVE TO GRAB A TISSUE.
IF YOU HAVE ONE THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO ADD, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SEND IT TO MY E-MAIL.
> > Take care of yourselves, and remember, it doesn't matter what you
> look
> > like,
> > or however you see yourself, you are beautiful to someone.
> >
> > This was the last litter of puppies we were going to allow
> our
> > Cocker Spaniel to have. It had been a very long night for
> me.
> > Precious, our only black Cocker was having a very difficult
> time
> > with the delivery of her puppies.
> >
> > I laid on the floor beside her large four-foot square cage
> > watching her every movement. I was watching and waiting just in
> > case we had to rush her to the veterinarian.
> >
> > After six hours the puppies started to appear. The first born
> > was a black and white party dog. The second and third puppies
> > were tan and brown in color.
> >
> > The fourth and fifth were also spotted black and white. "One,
> > two, three, four, five," I counted to myself as I walked down
> > the hallway to wake up Judy and tell her that everything was
> > fine. As we walked back down the hallway and into the spare
> > bedroom, I noticed a sixth puppy had been born and was now lying
> > all by itself over to the side of the cage.
> >
> > I picked up the small puppy and laid it on top of the large pile
> > of puppies, which were whining and trying to nurse on the
> > mother. Instantly Precious pushed the small puppy away from
> > rest of the group and refused to recognize it as a member of her
> > family.
> >
> > "Something's wrong," said Judy. I reached over and picked up
> > the puppy. My heart sank inside my chest when I saw the little
> > puppy had a cleft palette and could not close its little mouth.
> >
> > We had gone through this once before last year with another one
> > of our cockers. That experience like to have killed me when the
> > puppy died and I had to bury it. If there was any way to save
> > this animal I was going to give it my best shot.
> >
> > All the puppies born that night, with the exception of the small
> > cleft palette pup, were very valuable because of their unusual
> > coloring. Most would bring between five to seven hundred
> > dollars each.
> >
> > The next day I took the puppy to the vet. I was told nothing
> > could be done unless we were willing to spend about a thousand
> > dollars to try and correct the defect. He told us that the
> > puppy would die mainly because it could not suckle.
> >
> > After returning home Judy and I decided that we could not afford
> > to spend that kind of money without getting some type of
> > assurances from the vet that the puppy had a chance to live.
> > However, that did not stop me from purchasing a syringe and
> > feeding the puppy by hand, which I did every day and night,
> > every two hours, for more than ten days.
> >
> > The fifth week I placed an ad in the newspaper, and within a
> > week we had taken deposits on all of the pups, except the one
> > with the deformity.
> >
> > The little guy had learned to eat on his own as long as it was
> > soft canned food.
> >
> > Late that afternoon I had gone to the store to pick up a few
> > groceries. Upon returning I happened to see the old retired
> > school teacher, who lived across the street from us, waving at
> > me. She had read in the paper that we had puppies for sale and
> > was wondering if she might buy one from us for her grandson.
> >
> > I told her all the puppies had been sold, but I would keep my
> > eyes open for anyone else who might have a cocker spaniel for
> > sale. I also mentioned we never kept a deposit should someone
> > change their mind, and if so I would let her know.
> >
> > Within days all but one of the puppies had been picked up by
> > their new owners.
> >
> > This left me with one brown and tan cocker, as well as the
> > smaller cleft palette puppy.
> >
> > Two days passed without me hearing anything from the gentleman
> > who had placed a deposit on the tan and brown pup. So I
> > telephoned the school teacher and told her I had one puppy left
> > and that she was welcome to come and look at it.
> >
> > She advised me that she was going to pick up her grandson and
> > would come over about eight o'clock that evening. Judy and I
> > were eating supper when we heard a knock on the front door.
> >
> > When I opened the door, the man who had placed a $100 deposit
> > on the dog was standing there. We walked inside where I filled
>
> > out the paperwork, he paid me the balance of the money, and I
> > handed him the puppy.
> >
> > Judy and I did not know what to do or say if the teacher showed
> > up with her grandson. Sure enough at exactly eight o'clock the
> > doorbell rang. I opened the door and there was the school
> > teacher with her grandson standing behind her. I explained to
> > her the man had come for the puppy just an hour before and there
> > were no puppies left.
> >
> > "I'm sorry, Jeffery. They sold all the puppies," she told her
> > grandson.
> >
> > Just at that moment, the small puppy left in the bedroom began
> > to yelp.
> >
> > "My puppy! My puppy!" yelled the little boy as he ran out from
> > behind his grandmother.
> >
> > I just about fell over when I saw that the small child had a cleft
> > palette. The boy ran past me as fast as he could down the
> > hallway to where the puppy was still yelping. When the three of
> > us made it to the bedroom, the small boy was holding the puppy
> > in his arms. He looked up at his grandmother and said, "Look
> > Grandma. They sold all the puppies except the pretty one, and
> > he looks just like me."
> >
> > Well, old Grandma wasn't the only one with tears in her eyes
> > that day. Judy and I stood there, not knowing what to do.
> >
> > "Is this puppy for sale?" asked the school teacher.
> >
> > "My grandma told me these kind of puppies are real expensive and
> > that I have to take real good care of it," said the little boy
> > who was now hugging the puppy.
> >
> > "Yes, ma'am. This puppy is for sale."
> >
> > The lady opened her purse, and I could see several one-hundred
> > dollar bills sticking out of her wallet. I reached over and
> > pushed her hand back down into her purse so that she would not
> > pull her wallet out.
> >
> > "How much do you think this puppy is worth?" I asked the boy.
> >
> > "About a dollar?" He replied.
> >
> > "No. This puppy is very, very expensive; more than a dollar."
> > I told him.
> >
> > "I'm afraid so." said his grandmother.
> >
> > The boy stood there pressing the small puppy against his cheek.
> >
> > "We could not possibly take less than two dollars for this
> > puppy," Judy said squeezing my hand. "Like you said, 'It's the
> > pretty one'". She continued.
> >
> > The school teacher took out two dollars and handed it to the
> > young boy.
> >
> > "It's your dog now, Jeffery. You pay the man."
> >
> > I think it must be a wonderful feeling for any young person to
> > look at themselves in the mirror and see nothing, except "The
> > pretty one."
> >
> > There is a light that shines beyond all things on earth, beyond
> > the highest, the very highest heavens. This is the light that
> > shines in your heart.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A Dog's Prayer
>>
>> Dear God, Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must
> remember to be a good dog:
>>
>> - I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it
> up.
>>
>> - I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I
>> like
> the way they smell.
>>
>> - I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they
> are tasty, they are not food.
>>
>> - The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
>>
>> - The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
>>
>> - The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
>>
>> - My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
>>
>> - I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's license
> and registration.
>>
>> - I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the
>> toilet.
>>
>> - Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of
> saying "hello".
>>
>> - I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the
> table.
>>
>> - I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
>>
>> - I will not throw up in the car.
>>
>> - I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the
> carpet.
>>
>> - I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when
> company is over.
>>
>> - The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that
> noise, it's usually not a good thing.
>>
>> Oh... one more thing if You don't mind.....
>>
>> Dear God may I have my testicles back?
>>
>> Enjoy
>> Barb in NH
>>
>> "and the only measure of your worth
>> will be the love you leave behind when you're done."
>>
>> May I always be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee
When things in your lives seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions--and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.
The sand is everything else--the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first--the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.
"It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
Please share this with someone you care about. I JUST DID
When things in your lives seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions--and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.
The sand is everything else--the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first--the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.
"It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
Please share this with someone you care about. I JUST DID
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
This really is a great story! ENJOY!
Anyone who has pets will really like this. You'll like it even if you don't and you may even decide you need one!
Mary and her husband Jim had a dog named Lucky. Lucky was a real character. Whenever Mary and Jim had company come for a weekend visit they would warn their friends to not leave their luggage open because Lucky would help himself to whatever struck his fancy. Inevitably, someone would forget and something would come up missing
Mary and her husband Jim had a dog named Lucky. Lucky was a real character. Whenever Mary and Jim had company come for a weekend visit they would warn their friends to not leave their luggage open because Lucky would help himself to whatever struck his fancy. Inevitably, someone would forget and something would come up missing
Mary or Jim would go to Lucky's toy box in the basement and there the treasure would be, amid all of Lucky's other favorite toys. Lucky always stashed his finds in his toy box and he was very particular that his toys stay in the box..
It happened that Mary found out she had breast cancer. Something told her she was going to die of this disease....in fact; she was just sure it was fatal..
She scheduled the double mastectomy, fear riding her shoulders. The night before she was to go to the hospital she cuddled with Lucky. A thought struck her...what would happen to Lucky? Although the three-year-old dog liked Jim, he was Mary's dog through and through. If I die, Lucky will be abandoned, Mary thought. He won't understand that I didn't want to leave him! The thought made her sadder than thinking of her own death..
The double mastectomy was harder on Mary than her doctors had anticipated and Mary was hospitalized for over two weeks. Jim took Lucky for his evening walk faithfully, but the little dog just drooped, whining and miserable.
Finally the day came for Mary to leave the hospital. When she arrived home, Mary was so exhausted she couldn't even make it up the steps to her bedroom. Jim made his wife comfortable on the couch and left her to nap..
Lucky stood watching Mary but he didn't come to her when she called. It made Mary sad but sleep soon overcame her and she dozed.
It happened that Mary found out she had breast cancer. Something told her she was going to die of this disease....in fact; she was just sure it was fatal..
She scheduled the double mastectomy, fear riding her shoulders. The night before she was to go to the hospital she cuddled with Lucky. A thought struck her...what would happen to Lucky? Although the three-year-old dog liked Jim, he was Mary's dog through and through. If I die, Lucky will be abandoned, Mary thought. He won't understand that I didn't want to leave him! The thought made her sadder than thinking of her own death..
The double mastectomy was harder on Mary than her doctors had anticipated and Mary was hospitalized for over two weeks. Jim took Lucky for his evening walk faithfully, but the little dog just drooped, whining and miserable.
Finally the day came for Mary to leave the hospital. When she arrived home, Mary was so exhausted she couldn't even make it up the steps to her bedroom. Jim made his wife comfortable on the couch and left her to nap..
Lucky stood watching Mary but he didn't come to her when she called. It made Mary sad but sleep soon overcame her and she dozed.
When Mary woke for a second she couldn't understand what was wrong. She couldn't move her head and her body felt heavy and hot. But panic soon gave way to laughter when Mary realized the problem. She was covered, literally blanketed, with every treasure Lucky owned! While she had slept, the sorrowing dog had made trip after trip to the basement bringing his beloved mistress all his favorite things in life.
He had covered her with his love.
He had covered her with his love.
Mary forgot about dying. Instead she and Lucky began living again, walking further and further together every day. It's been 12 years now, and Mary is still cancer-free. Lucky, he still steals treasures and stashes them in his toy box but Mary remains his greatest treasure..
Remember......live every day to the fullest. Each minute is a blessing from God. And never forget....the people who make a difference in our lives are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care for us.
Live simply.. Love seriously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
Live simply.. Love seriously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
> Summary of Life
>
> GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
> 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't
> baptize cats..
> 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her
> brush your hair.
> 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They
> always catch the
> second person.
> 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a
> tomato.
> 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
> 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
> 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same
> time.
> 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of
> milk.
> 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white
> shorts.
> 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's
> lap.
>
>
>
> GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
> 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a
> tree.
> 2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
> 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few
> nuts
> 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that
> held its ground...
> 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on
> the inside.
> 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the
> fiber, not the toy..
>
> GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
>
> 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is
> optional...
> 2) Forget the health food. I need all the
> preservatives I can get.
> 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can
> do while you're down
> there.
> 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation
> from a rocking chair
> that you once got from a roller coaster.
> 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but
> nobody bothers to
> ask you the questions...
> 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy
> beautician
> 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes
> alone.
>
> THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
>
> 1) You believe in Santa Claus.
> 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
> 3) You are Santa Claus..
> 4) You look like Santa Claus.
>
>
> SUCCESS:
>
> At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in
> your pants.
> At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
> At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
> At age 35 success is . . . ..having money.
> At age 50 success is . . . Having money..
> At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
>
> At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends.
> At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your
> pants.
>
> Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.
>
>
> Always remember to forget the troubles that pass
> your way;
> BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.
>
> Have a wonderful day with many *smiles*
>
>
> Take the time to live!!!
> Life is too short.
> Whoo-hoo!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Our 14 year old dog, Abbey, died last month. The day after she died, my 4 year old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey.. She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her. I told her that I thought we could so she dictated these words:
Dear God,
Will you please take care of my dog? She died yesterday and is with you in heaven. I miss her very much. I am happy that you let me have her as my dog even though she got sick.
I hope you will play with her.. She likes to play with balls and to swim. I am sending a picture of her so when you see her You will know that she is my dog. I really miss her.
Love, Meredith
We put the letter in an envelope with a picture of Abbey and Meredith and addressed it to God/Heaven. We put our return address on it.. Then Meredith pasted several stamps on the front of the envelope because she said it would take lots of stamps to get the letter all the way to heaven. That afternoon she dropped it into the letter box at the post office. A few days later, she asked if God had gotten the letter yet. I told her that I thought He had.
Yesterday, there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch addressed, 'To Meredith' in an unfamiliar hand.. Meredith opened it. Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers called, 'When a Pet Dies..' Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God in its opened envelope. On the opposite page was the picture of Abbey &Meredith and this note:
Dear Meredith,
Abbey arrived safely in heaven.
Having the picture was a big help. I recognized Abbey right away.
Abbey isn't sick anymore. Her spirit is here with me just like it stays in your heart. Abbey loved being your dog. Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, I don't have any pockets to keep your picture in, so I am sending it back to you in this little book for you to keep and have something to remember Abbey by..
Thank you for the beautiful letter and thank your mother for helping you write it and sending it to me. What a wonderful mother you have. I picked her especially for you.
I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much.
By the way, I'm easy to find, I am wherever there is love.
Love,
God
Happiness keeps you Sweet,
Trials keep you Strong,
Sorrows keep you Human,
Failures keep you Humble,
Success keeps you Glowing ,
But Only Friends Keep You Going!
***************************************************************************
# 3 & 5 would proubably be MY Grandkids
GRAND KIDS 1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before.. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye..... 2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1 ?" 3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,"Who was THAT?" 4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire, it hung from a tree in our front yard We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!" 5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?''... "You're both old," he replied. 6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read." 7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!" 8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights." 9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure..." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6." 10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool... "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'." 11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant. " The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child." 12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants." 13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport." 14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him! 15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog. |
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
THE BRICK
A young and successful
executive was traveling down a neighborhood street,
going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars
and slowed down when he thought he saw something.
As his car passed, no children appeared.
Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door!
He slammed on the brakes and backed up th e Jag to
the spot where the brick had been thrown.
The angry driver then jumped out of the car,
grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up
against a parked car shouting,
'What was that all about and who are you? Just what
the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that
brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why
did you do it?' The young boy was apologetic.
'Please, mister.....please, I'm sorry but I didn't
know what else to do,' He pleaded. 'I threw the
brick because no one else would stop....' With tears
dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth
pointed to a spot just around a parked car. 'It's my
brother,' he said, 'He rolled off the curb and fell
out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up.'
Now sobbing, the boy
asked the stunned executive,
'Would you, please, help me get him back
into his wheelchair? He's hurt and
he's too heavy for me.'
Moved beyond words,
the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling
lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the
handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took
out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh
scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything
was going to be okay.
'Thank you and may God bless you,'
the grateful child told the stranger.
Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy
push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk
toward their home.
It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar.
The damage was very noticeable,
but the driver never bothered to repair
the dented side door. He kept the dent there to
remind him of this message:
'Don't go through life
so fast that someone has to throw
a brick at you to get your attention!'
God whispers to our souls and
speaks to our hearts... Sometimes when we don't have
time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us.
It's our choice to listen or not.
Thought for the Day:
If God had a refrigerator,
your picture would be on it.
If He had a wallet,
your photo would be in it.
He sends you flowers
every Spring.
He sends you a sunrise every morning.
Face it, friend - He is crazy about you!
God didn't promise
days without pain, laughter without sorrow,sun
without rain, but He did promise strength for the
day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.
Read this line very
slowly and let it sink in....
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
USA MAP
A father wanted to read a magazine but was being bothered by his little girl.
She wanted to know what the United States looked like.
Finally, he tore a sheet out of his new magazine on which was printed the map of the country.
Tearing it into small pieces, he gave it to her and said, 'Go into the other room and see if you can put this together.
After a few minutes, she returned and handed him the map, correctly fitted and taped together.
The father was surprised and asked how she had finished so quickly..
'Oh,' she said, 'on the other side of the paper is a picture of Jesus.
When I got all of Jesus back where He belonged,
Then our country just came together.'
Sooo........ When we get Jesus back where He Belongs--
Our country will come together
*************************************************************************************
THE FINAL
INSPECTION
The Soldier stood and faced God,
Which must always come to pass.
He hoped his shoes were shining,
Just as brightly as his brass..
'Step forward now, Soldier ,
How shall I deal with you?
Have you always turned the other cheek?
To My Church have you been true?'
The Soldier squared his shoulders and said,
'No, Lord, I guess I ain't.
Because those of us who carry guns,
Can't always be a saint.
I've had to work most Sundays,
And at times my talk was tough.
And sometimes I've been violent,
Because the world is awfully rough.
But, I never took a penny,
That wasn't mine to keep...
Though I worked a lot of overtime,
When the bills got just too steep.
And I never passed a cry for help,
Though at times I shook with fear..
And sometimes, God, forgive me,
I've wept unmanly tears.
I know I don't deserve a place,
Among the people here.
They never wanted me around,
Except to calm their fears
If you've a place for me here, Lord,
It needn't be so grand.
I never expected or had too much,
But if you don't, I'll understand.
There was a silence all around the throne,
Where the saints had often trod.
As the Soldier waited quietly,
For the judgment of his God.
'Step forward now, you Soldier,
You've borne your burdens well.
Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets,
You've done your time in Hell.'
Author Unknown~
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This is precious and the end will knock your socks off
|
You are My Sunshine, My only Sunshine'
(Be prepared to get watery eyes! Have a box of tissues handy!)
Like any good mother, when Karen found out that another baby was on the way, she did what she could to help her
3-year-old son, Michael, prepare for a new sibling.
They found out that the new baby was going be a girl, and day after day, night after night, Michael sang to his sister in mommy's tummy.
He was building a bond of love with his little sister before he even met her.
The pregnancy progressed normally for Karen, an active member of the Panther Creek United Me thodist Church in Morristown , Tennessee
In time, the labor pains came. Soon it was every five minutes, every three, every minute. But serious complications arose during delivery and Karen found herself in hours of labor.
Would a C-section be required? Finally, after a long struggle, Michael's little sister was born. But she was in very serious condition. With a siren howling in the night, the ambulance rushed the infant to the neonatal intensive care unit at St. Mary's Hospital, Knoxville , Tennessee
The days inched by. The little girl got worse. The pediatrician had to tell the parents there is very little hope. Be prepared for the worst.
Karen and her husband contacted a local cemetery about a burial plot. They had fixed up a special room in their house for their new baby but now they found themselves having to plan for a funeral.
Michael however, kept begging his parents to let him see his sister. I want to sing to her, he kept saying.
Week two in intensive care looked as if a funeral would come before the week was over.
Michael kept nagging about singing to his sister, but kids are never allowed in Intensive Care. Karen decided to take Michael whether they liked it or not.
If he didn't see his sister right then, he may never see her alive. She dressed him in an oversized scrub suit and marched him into ICU. He looked like a walking laundry basket.
The head nurse recognized him as a child and bellowed, 'Get that kid out of here now. No children are allowed!'
The mother rose up strong in Karen, and the usually mild-mannered lady glared steel-eyed right into the head nurse's face, her lips a firm line.
'He is not leaving until he sings to his sister' she stated.
Then Karen towed Michael to his sister's bedside.
He gazed at the tiny infant losing the battle to live.
After a moment, he began to sing.
In the pure-hearted voice of a 3-year-old, Michael sang:
'You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,
You make me happy when skies are gray.'
Instantly the baby girl seemed to respond.
The pulse rate began to calm down and become steady.
'Keep on singing, Michael,' encouraged Karen with tears in her eyes.
'You never know, dear, how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away.'
As Michael sang to his sister, the baby's ragged, strained breathing became as smooth as a kitten's purr
'Keep on singing, sweetheart.'
'The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping,
I dreamed I held you in my arms'
Michael's little sister began to relax as rest,
Healing rest, seemed to sweep over her.
'Keep on singing, Michael.'
Tears had now conquered the face of the bossy head nurse.
Karen glowed.
'You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
Please don't take my sunshine away.'
The next day...the very next day.
The little girl was well enough to get out of ICU..... She went home two weeks later.
Woman's Day Magazine called it
The Miracle of a Brother's Song.
The medical staff just called it a miracle.
Karen called it a miracle of God's love.
NEVER GIVE UP ON THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE.
LOVE IS SO INCREDIBLY POWERFUL.
Life is good.
Have a Wonderful Day!
**********************************************************
No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Andy said, Weve got to give it back. Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?
Sally said, No. Andy said, She's lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said, Dont believe him, he's getting senile. The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Andy said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .....
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, We're outta here!
TOO GOOD NOT TO SHARE
*********************************************************
> THE
> Gates of Heaven
>
>
> A
> woman
> died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
>
>
>
> While she was waiting for
> Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful
> banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people
> she had loved and who had died before her.
>
>
>
> They saw her and
> began calling greetings to her.
>
> "Hello - How
> are you!
>
> We've been waiting
> for you!
>
> Good to see
> you."
>
>
>
> When Saint Peter
> came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How
> do I get in?"
>
>
>
> "You have to spell a word,"
> Saint Peter told her."Which word?" the woman asked.
>
>
>
> "Love."
>
>
>
> The woman correctly spelled 'Love', and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
>
>
>
> About a year later, Saint Peter came to
> the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
>
>
>
>
>
> While the woman was guarding the Gates
> of Heaven, her husband arrived.
>
>
>
> I'm surprised to see you," the
> woman said "How have you been?"
>
>
>
> "Oh, I've been doing pretty well
> since you died," her husband told her. " I married the beautiful
> young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
>
> And then I won the
> multi-state lottery.
>
> I sold the little
> house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion.
>
> And my wife and I
> traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun
> and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What
> a bummer! How do I get in?"
>
>
>
> "You have to
> spell a word," the woman told him.
>
>
>
>
> "Which
> word?" her husband asked.
>
>
>
> " Czechoslovakia .."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This should be sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it...
1960: Long hair
2010: Longing for hair
1960: KEG
2010: EKG
1960: Acid rock
2010: Acid reflux
1960: Moving to California because it's cool
2010: Moving to Arizona because it's warm
1960: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2010: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1960: Seeds and stems
2010: Roughage
1960: Hoping for a BMW
2010: Hoping for a BM
1960: Going to a new, hip joint
2010: Receiving a new hip joint
1960: Rolling Stones
2010: Kidney Stones
1960: Screw the system
2010: Upgrade the system
1960: Disco
2010: Costco
1960: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2010: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1960: Passing the drivers' test
2010: Passing the vision test
1960: Whatever
2010: Depends
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the Mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1992.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced 2 years before they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control..
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane.."
They do not care who shot J. R. And have no idea who J. R. Even is.
Mc Donald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading..
So have a nice day!!!!! It is good to have friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking!!!!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ED the chicken
********************************************************